Poems From My Life Read online

Poems From My Life

  By Macy Grace

  Copyright 2014 Macy Grace

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  Table of Contents

  Dreams

  Feelings

  Exist

  Model Thin

  Sweet Sweet Lullaby

  Mollie

  Friends Don’t Always Last (Carlos’ Poem)

  Suicide

  Drawings

  Collage

  Can You Hear It?

  Dreams

  I was six when I danced amongst the stars

  Leaping, turning and jumping,

  From star to star,

  From planet to planet.

  I was seven when I became a doctor.

  Helping those in need,

  Grieving for the families,

  And honouring those who had been taken away.

  I was eight when I became a chef.

  Working at an expensive restaurant,

  Learning from the greatest, Gordon Ramsey, and Rachel Ray.

  I was nine when I saved my country.

  Joining the Marines,

  And protecting the land that had given me freedom.

  I was ten when I became a fighter.

  Boxing had given me strength to face my fears,

  It allowed me to win.

  I was twelve when I became a mechanic.

  Taking on a “mans” job,

  Proving women can do it too

  Breaking all stereotypes.

  I was thirteen when I became a writer.

  Gathering my thoughts

  And feelings down for all to read,

  To give me the chance to heal.

  But all that changed,

  When my life had gotten all strange.

  Nothing was the same anymore,

  Especially when my mom walked out the door

  I was fourteen when I learned that everything I had become,

  Everything that had been the foundation of who I am,

  Was unachievable.

  I was fourteen when I woke up.

  I stopped believing,

  Stopped reaching,

  Stopped dreaming.

  After all that happened,

  I was taught by those who cared,

  To love,

  To live,

  And to dream.

  I was fifteen when I started believing.

  I went back to allowing myself to be who I am,

  To be whatever I want,

  To think of the future.

  I was sixteen when I went back to sleep,

  Back to dreaming.

  Feelings

  Laughing

  Crying

  Smiling

  Frowning

  Happy

  Sad

  Safe

  Scared

  Whole

  Broken

   

  I don’t remember the days when I was happy. Happiness comes and then it’s washed out with sadness or anger or fear. Then the days I’m laughing will end with me crying alone in the dark. The wholeness I feel is turned into feeling broken. I have given up trying to make my ends met. Tired of trying to feel like I belong in a world where I feel so out of place and lost. I’m alone and no one can understand how to help me. If only there was a way.

   

  Home

  Lost

  Apart

  Ostracized

  Normal

  Weird

  Popular

   Alone

  Alive

  Dead

   

  Exist

  For those who are alive in the world, you don't realize the struggles real people have. You can laugh and joke around. They can't.  You don't have that everlasting thought in your head; "will I be here tomorrow? Will I have drowned in my own sorrows or demons? Will I still exist?" You live in this constant fear of waking up dead the next day. That fear slowly but surely starts to engulf you. It starts to eat you from the inside out, devouring every little piece of your sanity. Soon you have no feelings, and you feel like you’re going to go crazy. You push everyone away. You want to be safe. You want to be alone in your mind, dealing with it your own way. But you can't. You can't deal with it in your own way. You start to cut and you pour your anger out from your arm or your leg. Soon you give up. Decide that everything will be better without you; so you leave. You wake up dead the next day. Dead and numb to everything and everyone. If you’re lucky. Some actually do wake up dead. And that’s when you realize, "I've never existed." So those that are alive... Do you exist? Are you alive?

  Model Thin

  100 calories hit my mouth.

  Chew 

  Chew 

  Chew 

  Chew

  Chew

  Swallow 

  How can they eat this?

  12 o'clock

  3 o'clock

  6 o'clock

  9 o'clock

  10 bites of this

  5 bites of that.

  500 total calories in this meal

  "I'm done."

  They ignore me

  20 steps to the bathroom

  Faucets on

  400 calories enter the toilet 

  Flush

  Rinse

  Air Freshener 

  Up the stairs

  On the treadmill

  Run 

  Run

  Run

  I'll be model thin soon

  Sweet Sweet Lullaby

  Shush dear child

  You can’t speak a word

  Even if you could

  You wouldn’t be heard

  The Sweet Sweet Lullaby

  Fills the dark, silent room

  Whispers in your ears

  And speaks of a horrible doom

  Sadness has filled your heart

  Kept you awake in the dead of night

  You fear all that walks in the dark

  You’re tired of putting up a fight

  You always sit and stare

  Out the window on a cold day

  And think about what it’s like

  To be a bird and fly away

  The Sweet Sweet Lullaby

  Fills the dark, silent room

  Whispers in your ears

  And speaks of a horrible doom

  Listen to the sounds of

  The Mocking Birds in the morning

  The way they scream

  Gives you a warning

  Run for cover

  Hide from the pain

  Keep silent

  Don’t you dare cry in the rain

  The Sweet Sweet Lullaby

  Fills the dark, silent room

  Whispers in your ears

  And speaks of a horrible doom

  A glass of whiskey in hand

  He stands outside your door

  You wonder if he knows you’re there

  Pray beloved child, that you will be ignored

  Don’t make a sound

  Don’t be heard

  If you can’t be silent

  You will be interred

  Oh precious child, please be silent

  Turn your voice off

  Those blankets will not protect you

  They can be doffed

  Poor cherished child

  You couldn’t keep still

&
nbsp; He’s coming to find you

  Did you hear the Mocking Birds shrill?

  The Sweet Sweet Lullaby

  Fills the dark, silent room

  Whispers in your ears

  And now you have met your doom

  Mollie

  Fear creeps into my throat

  Panic fills my heart.

  I run down the alley,

  The sounds of my footsteps echo down the empty path.

  I slip behind the dumpster.

  Press myself flat against it,

  My chest heaving,

  Gulping for a breath,

  The cold air burning my throat.

  I hear a loud thud,

  A booming scratchy voice

  Mollie, we know you're here

  Mollie, don’t hide

  My blood freezes,

  And dread sweeps through my body.

  I don’t dare to move

  To peak out from behind my safety spot

  I swallow my fear,

  Crouch closer to the dumpster.

  I hear the voices from behind me,

  Whispering,

  Plotting,

  Scheming,

  Calling my name,

  Mollie, come out

  Come talk to us.

  We can help you.

  We miss you.

  I freeze,

  Not allowing myself to move,

  To blink,

  To breathe.

  With my eyes closed shut,

  I silently pray over and over

  Suddenly it gets quiet;

  I slowly open my eyes,

  I creep from behind the dumpster

  Look left,

  Look right.

  The coast is clear.

  There is the end of the alley,

  100 feet from where I am.

  I can make it.

  If I run I can make it.

  I take a few deep breaths,

  Trying to calm my nerves.

  Before I have another chance to think,

  To decide against it,

  I take off toward the end.

  The sounds of my feet seem to be like an earthquake,

  Echoing and pounding through the alley.

  Half way there and I was going strong.

  I'm going to make it,

  I'm going to be free.

  Ear- piercing cries fill my ears.

  Terror quickly enters my body.

  I push faster.

  Heavy feet pound down the path,

  THUD,

  THUD,

  THUD,

  They call to one another,

  And to me

  Mollie, you can't escape

  Come back Mollie,

  Come back.

  Their growls vibrate through the ground.

  Mollie,

  We see you, Mollie.

  You’re almost there Mollie.

  I’m almost there.

  I can almost smell the fresh air,

  Almost touch the people.

  A smile starts to build on my face.

  Then in a swift motion,

  The smile slides off as I hit the ground.

  I feel their clammy hands around my ankles.

  The exit starts to slip away.

  No!

  I kick at them,

  Scream at them,

  Let me go!

  Let me go!

  Let me go!

  I look back at the exit.

  I see all the people walking by,

  Help me!

  Help me!

  Please help me!

  No one stopped

  No one heard

  I keep resisting,

  Keep fighting,

  Keep kicking.

  I won't let you take me!

  I feel their hot breath on my back;

  Their cold hands on my arms

  The leader spoke,

  We have you now Mollie.

  We won’t let you go.

  We will bring you back.

  Her minions circle around me,

  Getting closer and closer.

  Their hands rise towards me,

  Weapons glistening in their palms.

  No!

  My eyes shut.

  Open your eyes Mollie,

  Open your eyes.

  Watch us help you.

  Take this Mollie,

  You can stay with us forever.

  You can always come back.

  My eyes betray me and open.

  Faces form in the bright lights.

  Pieces of cloth cover all but their eyes.

  They hover over me,

  Eyes staring down with…

  Anger?

  Pride?

  Chains and ropes occupy their hands.

  I open my mouth to scream.

  My eyes snap open,

  WOOP!

  WOOP!

  WOOP!

  WOOP!

  The alarms are going off.

  No!

  Let go of me!

  Let me up!

  Stop!

  Stop!

  Mollie, calm down.

  Mollie, stop.

  Hold her down.

  She bit me!

  Mollie, come back

  Wake up Mollie.

  Please, don’t hurt her

  She’s my baby!

  Mollie?

  Strap her down.

  Inject it into her now.

  She’s a danger to others, Doctor.

  She’s a bigger danger to herself. Give her a week in a padded cell.

  Mom?

  Mommy?

  Mollie, can you hear me?

  Mollie, are you there?

  Mollie, wake up!

  Mollie...

  Mol...

  M...

  Friends Don’t Always Last (Carlos’ Poem)

  Her eyes looked upon him

  Fear set into her heart

  Please don't leave

  She whispered

  Gripping his hands tighter

  You can't leave me

  We cannot part

   

  He stared at her 

  With sadness in his eyes 

  He pulled his hands away in a blur

  And walked away

   

  She cried out 

  How dare you?

  After everything,

   How dare you?

  He paused- one foot out the door,

  One foot still in her heart 

   

  You promised you would never leave

  Were all those promises fake? 

  Did you never care like you said you did?

  You’re the only one that understands

  You are the only one I have

   

  He looked at her

  Sadness in his eyes

  And guilt on his face

  He didn't want to tell her the truth

  He knew she wouldn't be able to handle it

  He knew her so well

   

  It’s time for me to go

  We’re over

  Our friendship has died,

  It died when you died

  You don’t want to be alone,

  You say you don’t,

  But you push others away

  You make yourself alone

  All you know how to be is alone

   

  Tears streamed down her face

  He took her into a hug

  Whispering into her ear

  Sweet things

  Kind things

  Things to make her understand

   

   

  We were friends for three years

  You're an amazing friend

  Very brave 

  Very strong

  But it’s time for me to go

  I have college to go to

  Even if I don’t want to,

  I’ll replace you

  It’s o
ver

  Its life

  Maybe when you stop trying to be alone,

  This will be fixed

   

  She shoves him away,

  Anger flashes in her face

  Her heart beating fast

  Thoughts running through her mind

   

  I don’t want to be alone

  I try to not be alone

  You were there for me

  When everyone else had left

   

  You taught me how to be strong

  You taught me how to be brave

  You taught me how to carry on

  You taught me how to be a better person

   

  She rolled up her sleeves

  Showed him each scar on her arm

  This is when my mother moved

  This is when my dad beat me

  And this one is

  And this one is

  And this one is

   

  She lifted her shirt

  Pointing out scars on her stomach

  This is when my mother called me fat

  This is when my dance teacher called me thick

  This is when I wanted to cut off my fat

  To make myself skinny

   

  She lowered her shirt

  Raised her arm

  And ran her finger down it

  Drawing a new line

  With each sentence

   

  This one isn't here because you told me I wasn't alone

  This one isn't here because you said my dad’s a douche

  This one isn't here because you told me I was special

  This one isn't here because you told me I was better than that

   

  She lowered her arms

  Captured his eyes with hers

  I don’t have some scars because you taught me not to cut

  I don’t have some scars because you cared

  Because you said I was worth the effort of saving

   

  She walked to him

  With a smile on her face

  She grabbed his face in her hands

  You said I’m worth it

  That I’m your best friend

  That we’re family

  And you don’t want to lose me

   

  He shook his head

  Pulling back,

  Watching the smile drop from her face

   

  What happened?

   

  Some people are worth the effort and some aren't

  After all I have done,

  The will to help you died

  Just like our friendship

  Just like you

  I couldn't help you 

  So I stopped caring

  You aren't worth the effort anymore

  You aren't worth the worry

   

  His words hit her in the chest

  She felt her lip quiver

  Her eyes water

  And felt her heart break into a million pieces 

  As he walked out the door

  Walked out of her life

   

  With one final glance at him

  She whispered their secret message

  A message just for them

  Some people are worth melting for

  Suicide

  There goes the scissors

  Right across my arm

  The skin breaks and blood begins to flow

  The blood shows the truth

  Everyone can die